~ Day 18 ~

18. Plans/Dreams/Goals you have

A huge fear of mine has always been failing as a mother. I don't want to fail! I know that I will make mistakes, Lord knows I have made mistakes with Raeanne and Jayden already. But I have always had this fear of completely failing as a mom. I am not sure if it stems from what I had growing up or not. It wasn't fairytale, but what childhood ever is. I have come to forgive my parents for what had happened in the past & I am thankful for the relationships we have now; both still growing stronger with time. I guess you could say I had a pretty "rocky" childhood and it was hard. My parents split up when I was 3 years old and I just remember feeling alone sometimes. I pray that my daughter and other children after her know that I am proud of them and LOVE them NO MATTER WHAT! I pray I have a solid, strong, healthy relationship with my children and that they know I'm "always here" for them and the door is "ALWAYS OPEN" for them! There are so many things I will learn via "trial and error" with our little girl, but I hope she has the patience with me as I will have with her. I know that she too is going to make mistakes and challenge me in the toughest ways, but I promise to stand behind her and also beside her through it all! :D I am looking forward to so many things with her, EVERYTHING ACTUALLY!!!. I know this blog wasn't titled FEARS- but just dream/pray that I do alright by our little girl. That I am a good mom, I am the happiest I have ever been and know that I am going to work everyday at excelling as a mommy, but it has always been something I thought about... I will do great.

I saw this poem and thought it seems pretty close to how I am feeling. I am journaling a lot since finding out I am pregnant and excited to put all the entries in her baby book to remember the special times forever!!!

You'll never really know, my dear,Just how much you mean to me,

A mother's love, buried so deep,That only my heart can see.

When I sit and really stare at you,All I can do is grin,

Somewhere down deep inside,I see myself within.

I'd never change a thing in you,I thank God that your so fine,

Even when your at your worst,I'm so proud that you are mine.

The roads we have traveled,were not always that good,

I would take back all the pain you've felt,Only if I could.

I know that I'm not perfect,It's the best that I can do,

But everyday, I thank the lord,For a daughter as special as you.
(c) Janet Jenkins All Rights Reserved

A goal I have is to be in our own HOME within about a year. I know I know, its a tricky thing to be thinking as we are about to embark on a new family ANY DAY NOW! However, I feel like "our own new home" will make it that much more real. I am not sure if things will go this way, but what is the point in life if you don't set goals. The idea of our own place just gives me excited "butterflies"! We have redone the basement we are in right now and it does look pretty amazing I must say.. But that is just it, in re doing the downstairs it just made my mind go a million miles a minute thinking how exciting it would be to be renovating OUR OWN HOUSE! :D Our bills are nearly PAID off in full (granted our little girl is going to be here any day and that in itself is going to be costly) but I feel with the priorities changing to make it work with our "new family" we will still budget and be just fine! :D So hopefully in a year from today we will either BE IN OUR OWN HOME or be in the processing of finalizing paperwork to be in our OWN HOME! :D

(Let's see if this one pans out for us =D)

Get back into shape would be a personal goal for myself. I am not going to be a "stickler" on the weight # I get back to (that would only cause me MORE STRESS than I need) but I am going to be a "sticker" about "getting my body back". I want to feel good in my jeans, in my old clothes, "in my skin" again! When I get "cleared" to get back to the gym I am going to do JUST THAT!! Get out walk, jog, work out. I am determined to show our daughter a healthy active lifestyle and to do that I must set that example. It won't be too tough as we are active people and love being outdoors, just a lot harder in the colder season.. Again I say its not going to be TOO tough as I am not going to strive to get to a certain weight # just back to the general area of feeling confident and good again! :D That will be fantastic

I am making it a PUBLIC goal on here so you all can help keep me up on it.

I want to take a picture of our little girl EVERYDAY for the 1st year at least. I know I know.. I am sure there will be some "slip ups" that is a lot of pressure. But there is just sooo much growth and change in the first year that I want to be "on top of it" and get it all documented. I am hoping to get a picture of her every day and put in a scrapbook/photo album just to show how much she is going to change in that 1st year. I dread how quickly it will go, but hopefully with the pictures and the journaling I won't forget the important things! Now you are all aware of this goal- let's see what happens with it! :D